The Story of Keggy the Keg: Dartmouth's Official Unofficial Mascot

dirtymouth apparel's keggy the keg

The story of Keggy the Keg has long been forgotten and untold. This is the official story of Keggy the Keg. The Keystone Light filled mascot that is the embodiment of the Dartmouth culture. For a long time, Keggy has failed to truly fill a void as Dartmouth's mascot. No one knew who or what Keggy was. Where has Keggy been since 2015? But finally, we're here to bring you a story. An original story to establish the official Keggy the Keg as we know it. 

How it started

In 1999, a student named Mike Helmes was playing in his final match of Masters, Dartmouth's annual summer pong tournament. It was the final moments in the game with each team's side having a half cup left. Mike Helmes and his partner were barely able to stand after previously winning a close semi-final game. In the last play of the game, the opposing team hit Mike's cup and Mike went to save the ball but slipped just enough to hit the ball off the table.

Mike couldn't believe he lost the game. He had trained 10 hours a week in his frat's basement preparing for this game. In his shame, Mike went into hiding into a turtle shell. Except, he couldn't find a shell big enough. So, Mike hollowed out a keg, and inserted his drunken body inside of the keg. He walked around campus, went to class, and never came out of his shell. His friends stopped calling him Mike after he refused to answer to anything but "Keggy."

Keggy is alive

Eventually, all of Mike's friends graduated and the classes after him graduated. Soon, no one could remember why this sad keg was walking around campus. Keggy continued to postpone his graduation and played pong obsessively in the hopes, that one day, he could redeem himself. 

Then one day in 2003, Dartmouth had just lost its mascot as the Indian. Mike saw a way to redeem himself. He decided that he would erase his disgrace by becoming Dartmouth's official new mascot. Mike put on his keg and went to all of the sports games, ate, slept, and played pong as Keggy. He campaigned in 2003 to become the official mascot of Dartmouth. Although he lost the "official vote" (that was rigged against him), it didn't matter. He won the hearts of the students. Soon, he was everywhere. Some say he was in multiple basements playing pong at once. Slowly, Mike lost his humanity. He became a human keg. His organs and mind became beer and pong. His eyes became wide eyed and circular from all of the drugs. And he became unstoppable. He became the main bartender at all of the social events. Wherever he went, a trail of people followed hoping to get a fresh cup of Keystone Light. 

Moving Dartmouth Forward: The Death of Keggy the Keg

However, in 2013, a white haired man named Phil Hanlon became President of the college. On January 29, 2015, Phil Hanlon presented the final "Moving Dartmouth Forward" plan. Keggy lost his beer-mind. The MDF plan outlined a plan to assassinate Keggy, beginning with hard alcohol. One of the highlights of the plan stated, "we will require third-party security and bartenders for social events." Keggy was blacklisted from every party and social event. He started going to freshmen dorms and offered to give them alcohol but was eventually arrested for providing alcohol to minors. He eventually couldn't handle the pressure.

Since 2015, Keggy has been nowhere to be seen. There hasn't been new merch, stickers, or appearances of Keggy the Keg since the '15s graduated.

Keggy is reborn

In 2019, there have been rumors of Keggy's comeback. People claimed they heard the gurgling of Keggy's voice. Students pointed out shadows in their Snapchats that resembled Keggy. Some say that they wake up in Russell Sage and see a silhouette of Keggy at the foot of their bed.

Now in 2020, Dirtymouth Apparel is proud to announce that the legend of Keggy the Keg is back. And he's better than ever. 

Leave a comment

Name .
Message .

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published